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16 May 2010 @ 09:03 pm
i'm copycatting a few people, but these are all the states i have visited

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29 March 2010 @ 05:24 pm
bear: i'm going to start being nicer. i'm going to start now. henceforth: nicer.
bunny: why? you are plenty nice it is one of the things you are famous about.
bear: no. i am not nice.
bunny: you aren't still fretting about that advice column are you?
bear: of course i am! what was the point of being so thoughtlessly mean? i could have been so easily not been!
bunny: ok. let's talk about this. so you were asked to answer pretty much one question in an advice column. the question was sincere, yr answer was flippant and rude. ever since it was published you have been feeling remorseful.
bear: yes.
bunny: but it was such a small unkindness. you probably say meaner things all the time. you-
bear: no.
bunny: my theory is that because this was published and people read it, lots of people, you feel worse than if you had been mean to someone in person. people knowing about yr rudeness challenges yr firmly held belief in yrself as a nice person. like, you are just as bad as the rest of us, but if it is a secret, it's ok? right?
bear: oh god probably. what is wrong with me? i am such a bad person! but don't you also think the lady who's question i answered so meanly feels worse than if i had schooled her in person because it was a public humiliation?
bunny: she at least was anonymous. i mean really. probably someone just made that question up.
bear: do you really think so? i'm going to think that from now on. it will make me feel much better.
It was our first date and we were dressed up fancy and nervous. We weren't ready to go home after the show so we went to Molly's for a little (or a lot) liquid courage. But we still wouldn't kiss so we went to the abandoned warf and watched the lights of boats going past. Still no kiss. So we rode our bikes up to the warehouses on the river. We talked to a Russian boat worker on a cigarette break and then rode on into the dark, empty warehouses. We looped around the pillars, splashing through puddles. She flew out onto the loading dock - the moonlight was funny - it looked like you could ride forever. She stopped right at the edge. Her face was frozen in fear. "Stop!" she screamed at me and I looked over at her as she watched me soar through the air! The drop was five feet onto gravel and I landed ten feet from the loading dock. The endless, quiet seconds of air time ended with the sickening crash of my bike and my body laid out flat. She jumped down in her fancy date shoes. She saw me laid choking with my eyes unfocused and wide with fear. Blood poured out of my head and pooled in my ear. She was certain I was going to die. She decided to run for help even though it might mean I would die all alone on the gravel. Somehow, she pulls herself back on to the dock that was taller than her. She ran screaming "HELP HELP!" back toward the Russian. But it was 3am and no one could hear her over the deafening ship engines. She ran back toward me - and froze - there I stood next to my bike dazed and broken. Back at her house, after minutes of frantic laughter, there was a moment of calm, with blood everywhere, sitting in the bathroom, we finally had our kiss. And the rest is history.
11 January 2010 @ 01:57 pm
if i take a look around things look broken

if i look inside everything is just fine
17 December 2009 @ 10:37 am
sittin here in berlin
staring at all the street art
embarassing nils with my shitty pronouniations
getting ready to go see the ramones museum rawk
snuggles to everyone still reading this
01 October 2009 @ 06:02 pm
Monkey: I wish I was a bird like you.
Bird: Why?
M: Because you can fly, obviously.
B: But you have opposable thumbs! I mean, have you ever seen me try to use a power tool for example? It is not a nice thing to observe.
M: So what you are saying is I should feel lucky because i can work? Yay.
B: I will never be rich.
M: I have a distinct feeling that the richest of us don't get that way by using power tools, or their thumbs very much, for that matter.
B: Well, and you have a prehensile tail.

A story by me! about how opposable thumbs are not that great, apparently. I don't know about you but I'm pretty fond of mine.
17 May 2009 @ 09:56 am
perhaps you are not the kind of person who develops firm, passionate obsessions with objects. you also might not be the kind of person who is willing to eat food that comes pre-packaged in a styrofoam cup. you are thus a more virtuous, healthier person than i, i guess, but yr life probably isn't the roller coaster thrill ride of culinary misadventure that mine is, and in that respect you lose.
be advised that i am not talking about some anthony bourdain style of extreme slug eating or whatever. i try whenever possible to get my kicks, food-wise, in humble ways. like via the humble ramen noodle soup cup. the brand i favor is the maruchan instant lunch, california vegetable flavor. this soup requires a cup of water and three minutes to become a delicious meal, and, if you have some, some sriracha for added awesome. the cup's size and shape is conveniently designed for carrying around while walking and the broth has rehydrated peas and such floating in it. it is a relaxing comfortable food that i like a lot, and the corner stores around town seem to get about one box of soups per year. this is where the adventuresomeness comes in. maruchan makes instant lunches in many flavors, and while you will always find chicken, beef, lime shrimp and etc. on the shelves of yr neighborhood market, california vegetable is a rarer thing, disappearing for months on end, only to reappear mysteriously long after you have stopped looking hopelessly for it. the periods of abstinance from my favorite ramen make me appreciate it more, and its sneaky habit of showing up unexpectadly make every trip to the grocery store a thrill.

high fives all around.
13 May 2009 @ 05:23 pm
there will be genetically-engineered animals that live in our toilets and eat our waste. we will have entire eco-systems in there, and they will be sparkling clean. these creatures will need our poop and our pee to survive. without it they will die! proper consumption of fiber will become a moral issue.
yr animal's halth and dispositions will depend on what you eat, and how often you poop. technicolored, 3 eyed sluggies for people who eat lots of fast food. lean, green, poop eating machines for health nuts! grumpy, clumsy blue firsh for alcoholics, bashing into the sides of the toilet bowl. they will be the tamagotchis of the future!
thus, yr eating habits will also have a social element. imagine, it's the first night the new girlfriend is staying over at yr place and she goes to pee and sees yr fat lazy sluggy sitting there, half a turd still floating around because he is too lazy to swim up and get it. it won't matter to her that yr super metabolism can handle 3 big macs a day without putting an ounce of fat on, she is out! little suzie won't be able to hide her laxative diet when the family toilet beast goes from a cute and cuddly turtle thingy to a gianormous blobby frog!

what would yr toilet beast look like?
i tend to think of my life as a choose yr own adventure. like say, it's super hot, and i pass a car and the windows are all the way up and the car is unlocked and there is a doberman in it, but he's barking like mad and kind of frothing at the mouth? i think to myself "ok, he's in the backseat, i should totally open the door and roll down the window a crack. otherwise that dog's gonna suffocate, and i am not sure what the ramifications of that will be, but probably it will mean that i don't get the treasure...BUT WAIT! maybe if i open the door, the doberman will tear out my threat and it will be THE END." i have seriously agonized over this exact situation for hours. just recently i passed an old camaro parked halway up the sidewalk with its lights on. the back windshield was made out of torn plastic and i very seriously debated climbing up on the trunk and pushing my way through in order to turn off the lights. who knows what would have happened? maybe i would have been kidnapped by pirates! that's just how it goes in choose yr own adventures, man. but now i will never know.
28 March 2009 @ 03:38 am
i have a single wish this evening and it is to spend time in a cafe with my dearest friends and be lucky enough to have this band walk in and play a dirge or two

Sigur Ros - Við spilum endalaust - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.